Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
