you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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