I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
