I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
