omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
