this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
