She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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