if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
