ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
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Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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