I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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