So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
we should paint friendship bongs
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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