I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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