Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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