I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
