Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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