apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I will be naked everywhere
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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