we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
