i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
