I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
