Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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