I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I party with great urgency now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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