but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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