Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
