Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
