If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
