i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
