dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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