She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
