i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
