Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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