Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
