I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
please come you make the beer taste better
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
