My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
