I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
