he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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