I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
