just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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