i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
