took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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