I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
