she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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