The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
