Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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