I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
