i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just cut my nipple shaving
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
