I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
"it" just moved
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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