apparently the secret to your success is patron
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
