You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
