I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
