So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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