i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
