why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
