Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
