Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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