you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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