Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Randomize
